Their daughter's marriage is fixed and the girls' family feels relieved,but that may be just the start of the ordeal-that of choosing gifts for the groom and his family.No matter if it's an arranged marriage or a love marriage,gifts to the groom's family become a'wedding ritual'.This,in even the most educated,upper middle-class,so called liberal families.They try to pass off their demands as tradition.Expectations may vary-some want their relatives to be 'taken care of'(accomadated in expensive hotels),while others may ask for expensive gifts.
But the point is,when two people want to share their lives,why should the girl's family compensate that of the groom?
Priya,one of my good friend who runs her own apparel business in chandigarh,says the innovation in"the demand thing"is for the groom's family to tell the girl's,"She is your daughter,you may give her whatever u want."such requests have led priya to back away from several potential partners."why should i get into this?it's jarring that all this demand business takes place with the full knowledge and consent of the boy concerned,who has probably got his education in the best of schools," she says.
There are lots of brides who refused to put up with this.One of my senior,in love with a man who had an MBA degree,had worked in new york and was considered a 'prize catch'.He know she was no less.A dental graduate,she was doing her master's in pgi.when their parents met,it was a disaster.My senior intended had promised her the world but refused to see her point of view.
when she confronted her prospective father-in-law,she was dubbed rude,uneducated,ruthless..
"i was told that the girl's sde has to abide by traditions.I could not take it and broke off the engagement.It was a hard thing to do because i have known this guy for many years,but it was about my parent's respect and my own identity."says my senior.
Marriage on equal terms is about love and harmony and bringing two hearts together.Since when did'gifts' become the indispensable partner in a successful union?
Monday, June 21, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
know yourself and be free
A colleague lack of self-worth and zero self confidence was getting on my nerves since it affected the quality of his work.i trusted his capabilities and just coudnt understand why he didnt repose trust in himself!over the last couple of years ravi(name changed) had never made an effort to cash in on the many opportunities that arose,nor had he made an effort to demand a better deal as most others do off and on.
he had extremely endearing qualities though.soft spoken and shy,ravi was well loved by all and didnt consider any task too menial,often offering to help others with their work.i could see he was being taken advantage of and decided to advse him on nurturing a sense of self-worth and learning to take pride in his work.
even as i started off,i realised the strangeness of asking a guy who had no sense of ego or self,to cultivate arrogance and pride,which in fact the best religions of the world teach us to shun.here was a man who had totally subsumed his self to the greater good,as all good,spiritually-inclined human beings are supposed to do,and i was bent upon teaching him to feed the"strong and deadly serpent"of ego.from hinduism to islam to the zen masters,all religions teach us that dropping or getting rid of ego or sense of self is the ultimate goal of life and spirituality.and here i was determined to teach ravi just the opposite.
and yet i could see nothing wrong in what i set out to do.how could i possibly harm him by teaching him to learn to love himself,have a degree of self-worth and play out his karma to the best of his ability?
strangely,on the one hand,we are taught to drop"i"or ego while on the other,self help books and modern-day gurus insist that if ou have no sense of self-worth,you cannot possibly lead a happy life!if you do not love and respect yourself,how can you possibly extend those feelings to rest of the worlds?
isnt there then a conflict between the two notions-dissolving the self and trying to get a better understanding of it?how can i stop using the word"i"and simultaneously make the most of my god-given talents and worth?on the other hand,if both ego and self are illusions,then what harm can i possibly be doing by indulging one or the other?
am i being egotistical if i am proud of my professionalism and ambitious?or am i rightly self aware and so on the right path?
modern spirituality does indeed seem to have evolved from a state that demanded death of the self to one that recommends self-awareness,self-enhancement and self-actualisation.or it could be that we have helped evolve a better balance between an understanding of the aspects of karma,ego and self-awareness.
understanding the self,it is said,is the key to liberation.we are taught to understand and grow to maximum of our potential;that is the duty we owe ourselves.or what else are we doing on earth?
TO understand yourself is just being yourself each moment of everyday:doing what you consider right.it means standing up to injustice meted out not just to others but to you as well.be fair to and honest with yourself.once you are aware of your strengths and weaknesses and accept them for what they are,the rest follows;you have entered the rhythm of life.
In a talk Dr deepak chopra stresses on the nothingness or illusion of a separate self.he says,"it is possible to have experiences that tell us we are much more than our body and ego,even more than our body and mind."He stresses that at the core of our being,our spirit is the most real thing about us.it is what connects our package of skin n bones,energises it,animates it.once the higher self is awakened and integrated into everyday life,we realize we are infinite,powerful and connected to the cosmos.
Buddhism teaches that as you become self-aware this dispels all ignorance about nature of the self.and we become accepting and non-judgemental not just about ourselves but also about others.And if we have no wrong notions about the self and are non-judgemental,where is the danger of being harmed by the ill effects of ego?you have then managed to make your ego work for you rather than allowing it to work on you!
he had extremely endearing qualities though.soft spoken and shy,ravi was well loved by all and didnt consider any task too menial,often offering to help others with their work.i could see he was being taken advantage of and decided to advse him on nurturing a sense of self-worth and learning to take pride in his work.
even as i started off,i realised the strangeness of asking a guy who had no sense of ego or self,to cultivate arrogance and pride,which in fact the best religions of the world teach us to shun.here was a man who had totally subsumed his self to the greater good,as all good,spiritually-inclined human beings are supposed to do,and i was bent upon teaching him to feed the"strong and deadly serpent"of ego.from hinduism to islam to the zen masters,all religions teach us that dropping or getting rid of ego or sense of self is the ultimate goal of life and spirituality.and here i was determined to teach ravi just the opposite.
and yet i could see nothing wrong in what i set out to do.how could i possibly harm him by teaching him to learn to love himself,have a degree of self-worth and play out his karma to the best of his ability?
strangely,on the one hand,we are taught to drop"i"or ego while on the other,self help books and modern-day gurus insist that if ou have no sense of self-worth,you cannot possibly lead a happy life!if you do not love and respect yourself,how can you possibly extend those feelings to rest of the worlds?
isnt there then a conflict between the two notions-dissolving the self and trying to get a better understanding of it?how can i stop using the word"i"and simultaneously make the most of my god-given talents and worth?on the other hand,if both ego and self are illusions,then what harm can i possibly be doing by indulging one or the other?
am i being egotistical if i am proud of my professionalism and ambitious?or am i rightly self aware and so on the right path?
modern spirituality does indeed seem to have evolved from a state that demanded death of the self to one that recommends self-awareness,self-enhancement and self-actualisation.or it could be that we have helped evolve a better balance between an understanding of the aspects of karma,ego and self-awareness.
understanding the self,it is said,is the key to liberation.we are taught to understand and grow to maximum of our potential;that is the duty we owe ourselves.or what else are we doing on earth?
TO understand yourself is just being yourself each moment of everyday:doing what you consider right.it means standing up to injustice meted out not just to others but to you as well.be fair to and honest with yourself.once you are aware of your strengths and weaknesses and accept them for what they are,the rest follows;you have entered the rhythm of life.
In a talk Dr deepak chopra stresses on the nothingness or illusion of a separate self.he says,"it is possible to have experiences that tell us we are much more than our body and ego,even more than our body and mind."He stresses that at the core of our being,our spirit is the most real thing about us.it is what connects our package of skin n bones,energises it,animates it.once the higher self is awakened and integrated into everyday life,we realize we are infinite,powerful and connected to the cosmos.
Buddhism teaches that as you become self-aware this dispels all ignorance about nature of the self.and we become accepting and non-judgemental not just about ourselves but also about others.And if we have no wrong notions about the self and are non-judgemental,where is the danger of being harmed by the ill effects of ego?you have then managed to make your ego work for you rather than allowing it to work on you!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Learn To Give
Philanthropy is a word often used for elect by business czars and socialites. From board rooms to kitty parties, conversations are liberally sprinkled with it. But my best lesson in “philanthropy” arrived disguised in the simplest of forms-a little street child down the road.
One day, driving down the Chirag Delhi BRT Corridor, I was waiting for the signal to turn green, when a little child selling bright red dahlias walked up to me. His dazzling smile intact, he prompted me to buy some flowers. I gently refused, but he wouldn’t budge. Finally I told him I didn’t need them and drove into a lane nearby. He followed me through into it and as I parked there to get some snacks packed, waiting for the parcel to arrive, there he came again, this time a friend in tow! Softened by their warm smiles, I cheerily took out my phone camera and clicked a picture of them together and showed it to them. They seemed happy. And then, instinctively, he started plucking a beautiful dahlia from one of his flower bunches to give to me….just like that! No negotiations, no bargaining. Nothing! I insisted and told him not to do it since he could sell it to someone else but wouldn’t take no for an answer. He handed me the flower and walked off. The flower remained there in my bag for a good 3-4 days as a sweet memory.
I would have probably forgotten about this incident had I not bumped into the same kid few days later, this time selling a bunch of red roses. He recognized me, smiled and came running to sell me the flowers at least this time. Now like every regular on the BRT stretch used to insistent hawkers at every traffic junction, I have also learnt the art of saying no to things I don’t need. That day too after the initial request to buy and the ensuing happy chatter, he promptly took out the bunch of roses and gave them to me, with no expectations whatsoever and no guarantees if I would ever land up buying from him in future. He gave a gift of love-simply, beautifully, merrily!
It set me thinking and I realized that giving has nothing to do with what or how much we have. It is surely not a matter of possessing money or material things. It’s about the willingness to share whatever we have with an open heart. We don’t millions to be generous. We could have nothing yet be the epitome of generosity. Just the way his child was! If we don’t have the money we could just lend a helping hand. We could give people our time, a patient hearing or just affectionate care. If we have nothing at all, we could just give them a smile that makes their day. As Kahlil Gibran soulfully wrote-“You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)