is marriage a bond or bargain?

Their daughter's marriage is fixed and the girls' family feels relieved,but that may be just the start of the ordeal-that of choosing gifts for the groom and his family.No matter if it's an arranged marriage or a love marriage,gifts to the groom's family become a'wedding ritual'.This,in even the most educated,upper middle-class,so called liberal families.They try to pass off their demands as tradition.Expectations may vary-some want their relatives to be 'taken care of'(accomadated in expensive hotels),while others may ask for expensive gifts.
But the point is,when two people want to share their lives,why should the girl's family compensate that of the groom?
Priya,one of my good friend who runs her own apparel business in chandigarh,says the innovation in"the demand thing"is for the groom's family to tell the girl's,"She is your daughter,you may give her whatever u want."such requests have led priya to back away from several potential partners."why should i get into this?it's jarring that all this demand business takes place with the full knowledge and consent of the boy concerned,who has probably got his education in the best of schools," she says.
There are lots of brides who refused to put up with this.One of my senior,in love with a man who had an MBA degree,had worked in new york and was considered a 'prize catch'.He know she was no less.A dental graduate,she was doing her master's in pgi.when their parents met,it was a disaster.My senior intended had promised her the world but refused to see her point of view.
when she confronted her prospective father-in-law,she was dubbed rude,uneducated,ruthless..
"i was told that the girl's sde has to abide by traditions.I could not take it and broke off the engagement.It was a hard thing to do because i have known this guy for many years,but it was about my parent's respect and my own identity."says my senior.

Marriage on equal terms is about love and harmony and bringing two hearts together.Since when did'gifts' become the indispensable partner in a successful union?

know yourself and be free

A colleague lack of self-worth and zero self confidence was getting on my nerves since it affected the quality of his work.i trusted his capabilities and just coudnt understand why he didnt repose trust in himself!over the last couple of years ravi(name changed) had never made an effort to cash in on the many opportunities that arose,nor had he made an effort to demand a better deal as most others do off and on.
he had extremely endearing qualities though.soft spoken and shy,ravi was well loved by all and didnt consider any task too menial,often offering to help others with their work.i could see he was being taken advantage of and decided to advse him on nurturing a sense of self-worth and learning to take pride in his work.
even as i started off,i realised the strangeness of asking a guy who had no sense of ego or self,to cultivate arrogance and pride,which in fact the best religions of the world teach us to shun.here was a man who had totally subsumed his self to the greater good,as all good,spiritually-inclined human beings are supposed to do,and i was bent upon teaching him to feed the"strong and deadly serpent"of ego.from hinduism to islam to the zen masters,all religions teach us that dropping or getting rid of ego or sense of self is the ultimate goal of life and spirituality.and here i was determined to teach ravi just the opposite.
and yet i could see nothing wrong in what i set out to do.how could i possibly harm him by teaching him to learn to love himself,have a degree of self-worth and play out his karma to the best of his ability?
strangely,on the one hand,we are taught to drop"i"or ego while on the other,self help books and modern-day gurus insist that if ou have no sense of self-worth,you cannot possibly lead a happy life!if you do not love and respect yourself,how can you possibly extend those feelings to rest of the worlds?
isnt there then a conflict between the two notions-dissolving the self and trying to get a better understanding of it?how can i stop using the word"i"and simultaneously make the most of my god-given talents and worth?on the other hand,if both ego and self are illusions,then what harm can i possibly be doing by indulging one or the other?
am i being egotistical if i am proud of my professionalism and ambitious?or am i rightly self aware and so on the right path?
modern spirituality does indeed seem to have evolved from a state that demanded death of the self to one that recommends self-awareness,self-enhancement and self-actualisation.or it could be that we have helped evolve a better balance between an understanding of the aspects of karma,ego and self-awareness.
understanding the self,it is said,is the key to liberation.we are taught to understand and grow to maximum of our potential;that is the duty we owe ourselves.or what else are we doing on earth?
TO understand yourself is just being yourself each moment of everyday:doing what you consider right.it means standing up to injustice meted out not just to others but to you as well.be fair to and honest with yourself.once you are aware of your strengths and weaknesses and accept them for what they are,the rest follows;you have entered the rhythm of life.
In a talk Dr deepak chopra stresses on the nothingness or illusion of a separate self.he says,"it is possible to have experiences that tell us we are much more than our body and ego,even more than our body and mind."He stresses that at the core of our being,our spirit is the most real thing about us.it is what connects our package of skin n bones,energises it,animates it.once the higher self is awakened and integrated into everyday life,we realize we are infinite,powerful and connected to the cosmos.
Buddhism teaches that as you become self-aware this dispels all ignorance about nature of the self.and we become accepting and non-judgemental not just about ourselves but also about others.And if we have no wrong notions about the self and are non-judgemental,where is the danger of being harmed by the ill effects of ego?you have then managed to make your ego work for you rather than allowing it to work on you!

Learn To Give

Philanthropy is a word often used for elect by business czars and socialites. From board rooms to kitty parties, conversations are liberally sprinkled with it. But my best lesson in “philanthropy” arrived disguised in the simplest of forms-a little street child down the road.

One day, driving down the Chirag Delhi BRT Corridor, I was waiting for the signal to turn green, when a little child selling bright red dahlias walked up to me. His dazzling smile intact, he prompted me to buy some flowers. I gently refused, but he wouldn’t budge. Finally I told him I didn’t need them and drove into a lane nearby. He followed me through into it and as I parked there to get some snacks packed, waiting for the parcel to arrive, there he came again, this time a friend in tow! Softened by their warm smiles, I cheerily took out my phone camera and clicked a picture of them together and showed it to them. They seemed happy. And then, instinctively, he started plucking a beautiful dahlia from one of his flower bunches to give to me….just like that! No negotiations, no bargaining. Nothing! I insisted and told him not to do it since he could sell it to someone else but wouldn’t take no for an answer. He handed me the flower and walked off. The flower remained there in my bag for a good 3-4 days as a sweet memory.

I would have probably forgotten about this incident had I not bumped into the same kid few days later, this time selling a bunch of red roses. He recognized me, smiled and came running to sell me the flowers at least this time. Now like every regular on the BRT stretch used to insistent hawkers at every traffic junction, I have also learnt the art of saying no to things I don’t need. That day too after the initial request to buy and the ensuing happy chatter, he promptly took out the bunch of roses and gave them to me, with no expectations whatsoever and no guarantees if I would ever land up buying from him in future. He gave a gift of love-simply, beautifully, merrily!

It set me thinking and I realized that giving has nothing to do with what or how much we have. It is surely not a matter of possessing money or material things. It’s about the willingness to share whatever we have with an open heart. We don’t millions to be generous. We could have nothing yet be the epitome of generosity. Just the way his child was! If we don’t have the money we could just lend a helping hand. We could give people our time, a patient hearing or just affectionate care. If we have nothing at all, we could just give them a smile that makes their day. As Kahlil Gibran soulfully wrote-“You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.”

my birthday celebration

i turned the big 28.i had a pretty rough year so this birthday was welcomed...and i wanted to do it right!
i try very hard to not have to work on my birthday...i got up really early and took a walk.its was hard to get up early.but i thought it would be nice to have to start a special day without work and other responsibilities...
severals friends and i were planning on heading to 17th block for a show at the performing arts center..but no one really felt like going to market any more.traffic,and then waiting around for tickets we might get.so we went to the neelam theatre instead.it was inexpensive,it was ridiculous,it was a ton of fun...
i had the GRET PARTY that i never had as a youth.got together with about half a dozen friends.aditi baked a clown cake with my name on it...n we had ice cream with it.
then we played some goofy party games..like carrying water on a teaspoon and filling a bucket..and sit-on-the-balloon and see whose pops first...
things like that,which was hilarious fun because some of the participants took the games very seriously...
we went to the favourite chill-out zones in the city BLUES-the night club..the gaffiti restaurant adjoins the blues offering novelity dinner and dance...
we reached there by 11pm..they all drunk by 12 am+!thats very fast!!
we chilled out the whole night until they shut their door at 2 in the morning...

my birthday celebration at..BLUES

THOSE WHO CAME,THANX FOR COMING!

TO SHIVANI,THANX FOR HELPING ME CLEAR THE MESS...

TO ADITI,THANX FOR THE SURPRISE....

TO SIDHARTH,KARNEEV,THANX FOR THE CELEBRATION...

U PEOPLE WERE SUPER SWEET..AND I LOVE U GUYS..

cheers

how to make the rich open their wallets

the recent ipl auctions where new franchises were sold for more than rs1,700 crore for 10 years,were a stunning success.the ipl management deserves accolades,not only because they have created indias biggest showbiz event in three years out of nowhere,but have also managed to sell the recent franchises ata price it is almost impossible for the buyers to make money.
calculations are floating around on the internet and estimates vary,but the latest auction winner needs to pay rs 170 crore merely in franchise costs per season.other costs,such as player fees and administration expenses averaged around rs 45 crore in the last season.thus,even after ignoring the time value of money,the franchisee needs to generate rs 215 crore in revenue per season to cover costs.it doesnot require a financial wizaed to tell u that the new buyers have paid too much.revenues could potentially grow as ipl taps other earning sources,but there are threats too.the addition of too many new teams could dilute viewership.the novelty factor could wane from what is india biggest reality show.a recent study revealed that ipl viewership could be lower than the top rated soap operas.this finding could have significant implications.
yet,some of d biggest industrial groups paid serious amounts of money to get a piece of the action.surely,they had finance teams that knew the numbers?the main motivator behind the purchase may not have been investment return.there r non monetary benefits.the instant,visible stardom and high life that ilp team ownership provides is hard to buy almost any way else.you could have thousands of crores in the bank,but do u get to sit next to bollywood starlets in d stadium?do u have high_five with a top australian batsman every time ur team hits a boundary?do ur megabucks allow u to clink glasses with cheerleaders at d post-march party,with full societal sanction?more importantly,does d whole country watch when u do that?if not,whats d point of owning skyscrapers and oil rigs?just to give some shareholders and irritating bankers a returncmon,u have money.people have to know u amount to something.and whats rs100 crore lost per year,if u get a to change ur introduction from i make boring petrochemicals to i own kochi koolness.
thats true,an ipl team has d power to add instant glamour,youth,sportiness and enhance ur persona to larger than life proportions.u dont need talent or any special gifts.u need d only thing it takes-money.
while some may look down on d shallow commercial nature of d whole exercise,i think there r terrific lessons on how to extract money out of rich indians.compared to their western counterparts,india truly rich contribute far less to charity as a percentage of their net worth.this may be entirely the owners personal choice and many NGOs n good causes struggle to raise from indian corporate houses.but,the ipl auctions have shown that rich people can be made to open their wallets n pay serious cash even without profit,provided u feed one thing-their ego.they will pay,so long as u make them look good.
i have no qualms about offering things up to rich people if it gives them illusion of being larger than life.opportunities r manifold-we can offer to name flyovers,sealinks,roads,lanes,metro stations,individual trains after rich people-who can bid for n buy them.if competitive tension is created,they will outdo each other to put up that plaque n grab d next days headlines.if it helps raise a few thousand crores for good causes,what difference it make?
certain govt. posts,with nominal powers,can be given to rich people.they could pay a huge fee n be d second vice-president for a year,getting there picture clicked with every foreign dignitary n being more than just d owner of a dull fertilizer company.

some of these suggestions may seem outlandish,but surely u get d drift.the ego is the animal within a person that demands to be fed,no matter what his/her level of accomplishment.it is commendable that lalit modi n the rest of d people tapped into it,sold teams for double their worth n still had smiling buyers at d end.fundraisers n govt. agencies should consider selling greatness for hard cash,especially if it is for a good cause.
meanwhile,if u dont have rs1,700 crore lying around,thank ur stars,sometimes,too much money makes u do stupid things far better instead to watch the cheerleaders on tv.......